Saturday, December 31, 2011

A writer's reference

A long time ago I started this thing called starting pages. It was a way to get any clutter out of my mind before I wrote. Lately I have stories abounding. with the resurrection of my will and the death of a chocking point that had been holding me back I find that my ideas and ferocity with which I write incredible. Ideas all over the place from all my stories. I have yet to put Tao on here or Elfkins and catpsi,  but I promise they shall come. Fantasy and sci fi, reality type, mystery and even some less then impressive fanfic, but it's all there! So I shall begin a list of characters. I'll start with WoV:

AlphaWater - Robyn
AlphaFire - Chris
AlphaWood - Lloyd
AlphaNature - Nathan
AlphaMetal - Tim
Yun
Elfkins
Catspi - Sara
Prince Braddock
Komodo
King Merced
Calysta
OmegaLightning _ John
OmegaLava - Zara
OmegaStone -Gavin
NeoWater - Shulyn
NeoFire - Robert
NeoWood -Jessica
NeoNature - Seth
NeoMetal - Nick
The Viper family
Ruby Valentine
Zelcur
The gemini twins
Jess
Samuel - White knight
Series one: Beginnings
There is place where we keep our dreams and we think they are safe from the world. This place is called Tao. There are heroes here who make sure all of our dreams stay safe. They are called the virtue knights. 

I've been a chicken to write anything on this story mostly because it's closet to my heart and because I lost my two binders worth of info and character plots and their bibliographies in  LA, but I don't care. They all live inside me and I intend to write about them as much as I write about The Aerie I live in. Yes yes you shall all miss the man in emerald for the moment. He isn't gone. Until next time! Chapter one: Team B and how to make a VK invincible. 


Friday, December 23, 2011

Hero

The black in the night covered the land like a blanket. The hour lying to the people, as the sun clearly stood high in the sky. A woman wearing a flowing white dress with gold tassels looked out the window of her castle. She had blond hair that was so long that it piled on the floor. Her blue eyes quivering at the sight out her window.
"Find the head of my guardsmen," She waited for a boy standing at the door to leave, "GO!"
The boy, dressed simply, ran through the door as she yelled. A man dressed in hunting garb and very scruffy looking stopped him outside the door.
"Artemis, What are you rushing for"
"Milady ask to find her head guard." the boy answered
Sighing loudly the man entered the room, "Milady," He bowed. "The captain has gone already, and taken some of the army with him. Can I assist you in anyway?"
Turning around slowly, her eyes glowing in a dark and sinister fashion.
"No Nosliw. I asked for Artemis to find Jaqual, not bring me bad news."
"I apologize my liege. The house of light is in need of protecting and Silverhawk and his men do the duty entrusted to them."
"Find him. Bring him back then, hunter." Using Nosliw's job title as an insult.
Standing from his kneeled position he nodded, "As you wish."
Leaving quickly he motioned for Artemis to go hide.
"Why? What is happening?"
"You don't need to know that. Go hide."
"Nosliw! Nosliw!" The boy tried to run after him as he disappeared down the stairs.
Stopping at the base of the stairs to talk to a servant, an elven girl with greenish skin and hair the color of bark that was kept short and neatly at her shoulders.
"Protect the boy. The prophesy is coming to pass, and he will be sacrificed if we let our lady leave this castle."
"Nosliw. Where are you going?"
"To stop the emerald knights. If I do not we shall lose them to."
"How do you know these things?"
"That is not important right now. I must go."
The elf holding onto Nosliw's vest. her eyes begging him to stay. He stopped and kissed her deeply.
"I am sorry lovely one. I promise to return to you."
With those words he was gone. Artemis came down the stairs.
"Ellistry what are we to do?"
"We hide."

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Fast times at AHS...

A bell sounded and Adria stuck out her foot as Hannah went to run for her class. Her book bag spilling all it contents. Adria mocking concern.
"Oh I am so sorry. I'd love to help you, but my class is on the other side of the quad."
Patting her back quite hard she then walked off laughing with some other girls. Quickly throwing her in bag a notebook that had hearts scrawled all over it. She pulled it back out once everyone had gone. One of the hearts stated 'R+H' she smiled and then frowned. A tall boy carrying an instrument case stopped by her. He had brown hair perfectly messy as if he had woken up and his hair was that way and Buddy-holly style glasses.
"Do you often come to the rescue of damsels in distress?"
"Only ones who have the same class as I do." Reese laughed
Happily letting Reese help her before scooting off to class.
"You know you oughta be more careful where you leave your books. One of these days I am going to be sick," He pretended to be dramatically ill, "Then who will pick up after your clumsy arse?"
"It's too early to be talking like pirates." She giggled.
"Well you be getting to class there missy or I'll swab the decks with the likes of you."
He pretended to have a hook on one of his hands and poked Hannah with it as they approached the lab room.Still poking her as they entered.
"Well this isn't a ship, vessel of learning perhaps, but boat I think not." The teacher said
"Sorry Mrs. Grabble." Reese nodded.
"Alright," Clapping her hands together.
Mrs Grabble appeared to be in her early thirties. Quite attractive for a human, but then the hair covering her ears fell away and small points were revealed.
"Yesterday was a bit of potions. Does everyone have their homework?"
Reaching in her bag Hannah balked, "I left it in the car."

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Fast times at AHS

    The air was ridden with frost and the students rushing into the courtyard tightened their jackets as they bustled about to their classes. The old Victorian architecture of the building had seen better days. Each of the columns weathered and covering in bird dropping warping the once marble color to a dingy gray. In the fray stood six young adults, seniors or perhaps juniors in their year of schooling. The building's front read, Alderguard High School a place of magic, where learning comes alive. One of the students flicked a cigarette on the ground as he slicked back his black unwashed-looking hair.
     "I heard she died in a car accident." A whispered from another student heard as they passed the group.
     The six all glared at people as they passed them by. Walking into the school grounds they cleared a path by their mere presence. All of them wearing what appeared to be school colors, a maroon and gold combination. The five boys with Letterman jackets on and the one girl with a collared gold shirt, maroon blazer and matching skirt with knee-high socks. She had auburn hair down to her lower back and deep blues eyes. As the group continued on another girl wearing similar school attire ran to catch up with them, but tripped on her untied shoes as she shouted for them
     "Adria! Adria wait!"
     The girl stopped and waved for the boys to leave without her.
     "What do you want?"
     "Well my mom said we could...."
     Adria interrupted, "Your mom think that we are friend just because she and my mom were friend. I have yet to see a reason for me to even acknowledge you. You cam barely walk, how are you going to pass any of your spell examines? Can you even cast anything?"
     The girl who had blond pigtails and silver eyes nodded her head.
     "I can. I can. I promise."
      "I meant a real spell not that thing you do where you turn yourself all purple for the day."
     Adria rolled her eyes and shooed the girl away.
     "Oh and Reese might be your best friend, but Hannah, he's my boyfriend so stay away from him." 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

New Chapters

Everything changes and sometimes things move on. Bread molds, stories end, and sometimes people who used to be in our lives no longer are. I have recently had a horrible decision to make. I stopped being an enabler to someone. It hurt a whole lot, but I can no longer pretend that I condone what this person is doing. I gave my advice I said my peace I was sportive, but at some point whatever I was doing was enabling this persons bad behavior. It frustrates me because I have a feeling this person is not fully grown up and is in need of guidance. Guidance I am not equipped to give. I am smart I know this, but I am not a doctor on the subject and while it is true that some people have to learn on their own even if it's the hard way I could no longer be a part of any of it.

Do I feel badly? Yes. Am I sad, Duh. I just can't stand hearing the same topic come up over and over and over. I wanted to scream. make up your fucking mind and then stick with your decision and live with it because limbo kills everyone involved. I guess limbo was chosen and I am its first victim. When you keep secret, when you lie or are dishonest... even by being quiet... it eats a part of you. A part you can never get back. I've done that once, and it nearly devoured me, and I refuse to be part of the same process again. Best friend or not. I don't even think that she care about who's heart she breaks in the process of getting what she wants. I do feel that she is very selfish and I am very hurt and upset that she is willing to throw away everything just to get some sexual pleasure and short and fleeting emotion. I hope I am proven wrong, but the light from this part of the tunnel is nil. I hope I find a bend or fork in the road soon. I leave you with the song that say how I am feeling.

Emotionally drained...

Sunday, November 13, 2011

It's been a while

Last I recall typing I was mired in the middle of my stores inventory, and I also had no time for almost anything. The laundry had not been done I found no time for shopping and I was barely able to breath. Tira's birthday came and went as well as the visiting of The sweet gryphon I love so much. Time goes to fast. It is an evil convention in which things go too slow when you don't want them to and to fast when you... ah you get what I am saying. Thankfully I have the past time of a game I love just as much as some others to be able and see my loved ones.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Fading in to the background

I think about it quite a bit and I have slowed down more and more as the years pass, but every so often I try and contemplate who I was during high school and why people seemed to have disliked me, or targeted me for dislike. I wonder what I did to them personally. I realize somewhere I was becoming a scapegoat and during my last couple of years I gave up trying to break out of the mold at all and I just because everything they accused me of in the first place. Mostly because I wanted to fit in and I figured if they all think that of me I'll become it. I was not who they thought I was and I was fooling myself trying to pretend I was someone I was not just to fit in. When I was not fitting in at all, because what I was trying to be was not me, but... meeting those same people now they refuse to believe I am who I really am because the stigma seems to have leeched itself in to their brain.
I shrug sometimes and I accept that no one seems to be able to move on properly unless they are willing to be an adult and get to know who I really am. Whoever that girl was who just did things people said so that she could fit in or be cool is gone. I do not date whomever my "best friend" tells me I should date just because it would be cute. I do not eat food I hate  or do things I dislike because someone said "Here, try it. Awww you're a loser if you don't" The stresses of peer pressure and  whom real friend are have really stuck on me now. I don't waste my time with people who are going to devalue who I am anymore. (Yes There are some people who i am sure still use me as the example and scapegoat) To those people I say... I am sorry. I wish I could do something so that you could be happier and not need to put anyone else down or make anyone else feel bad so that you could feel good about yourselves. That life of mine is gone, mostly because it was not my life.

There is a commercial I have seen where a kid is standing.. oh screw it lemme find the link from above the influence

Yup that was me in High school. I was letting so many people choose who I was, Not anymore. I am quite happier, but the affects of my choices still linger with me today. I used to say I did it so I had no regrets because I was following my heart, nope, because I regret losing someone who was not only my best friend, but the coolest guy I know and whom I know is an awesome writer. The girl who I wasn't there for and we lost her. To anyone I can't remember anymore because I was too busy listening to someone(s) who threw me under the bus the moment it was convenient for them to do so.

However... If thing had not bee how they were I know I would not be the person I am today and I know gryphon would not want me to change. I know my monkey loves me just they way I am, and all my now friends quite appreciate who I have become. So as my old experiences officially fade away I make new ones. I became Cerity. Somber died, Alphawater is on a shelf. There a new sheriff in town kids *Western accent* and she's looking for a new day to dawn. By golly this just might be the best time in her life.

So if I happen to run into any of the high school crowd and I don't know who you are, it isn't me trying to be rude. I am starting over, and as I am now... I never knew any of you.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Move with Me

I wanna write things that move people. Epic novel, sure. Tent pole thriller movie, of course. One awesome Broadway play, hells yes. How about just a Youtube video that goes viral? I want to be able to capture the essence of a feeling in a moment that is so purely human it moves everyone that hears, reads, or sees it. Here I am blogging, so I hear you laughing. Yeah I might be stuck in a fantasy that I half created. Sure Alderguard is not always mine. Sometimes I remember how it was made and I ask myself why I am hanging into it. I know why, because that moment in my life way special.

Just gonna stand there and watch me write myself into a earlier grave. I an burning the candle on both ends and I am playing with a double-sided blade. I am gonna cut myself. This rage inside of me where does it come from, who is it inside of me? It's not any of of my characters, and if it is why is he or she so angry? I understand all of my characters, but this sadness and rage that comes out of being frustrated at how my writing non-career is so frustrating. I can write, I do write. I love writing I don't need to be in the zone to produce something that no one else can write. I don't need a pen or piece of paper I don't need a computer  or ever a way to create it I just need my hand. My head and go wide open field. I'll act it all out and I'll show everyone what true story telling is./ How you immerse yourself in it and become those characters you love and live wiht them., You die by their side in battle or win victories with them no matter how small. have you ever found the one thing you love and everyone tell you that you can't you shouldn't and it doesn't pay the bills so don't do it. give up that dream. be sensible and get a real job. Yeah I have been . I am told all the time I should forget about writing and stop. I am not going to I can't something drives me to write
, something beckons and calls. It's like that boyfriend yo0ur mother tells you to stay away from or the things everyone says no to. It's like a drug I need to quit. How can I when it is the only high I ever want.
 When I create a new character or I have a new story swimming around in my head I am so in the moment. My hands itch, my head feels so overloaded. I Know this post is going to be a starting pages grammatical nightmare and by the time I next see it I will most likely erase it.
So here it is. the only glimpse anyone will ever get into my thought process and how I create something. ho i put black to white. out with the bad and in with the good. As i do away with all the negative I hold in, I open the bottle and I pour it onto the page. all of this rage and angry , hate despair and hurt. I hate Jim York. I hate Timothy Ferman. You don't get to hurt me and think you are mightier then I am . you don't' get to put me down and act superior. You know what for all the damage they have done. Here I am like a beaten boxer, stANDIUNG UP i AM NOT ko'ED i AM NOT DOWN FOR THE COUNT. i AM UP and I am ready to fight another round. So go ahead pretend like you never heard of me or like you never loved me, and like I am the bad guy. Like I did all the wrong in our relationships. You arrogant pieces of shit. Nicholas Cull.. you're Quillick you're where he comes from, all that vileness and seething vengeful hate. The darkness within me is you. Why do I have a hard time letting go? Once it's all gone one I feel the moment of hate leave I am just sad. Sad that I could not have changed some of the things that happened. I know it was my learning process. I meant to write my article today about the rating system and how adults should really take a harder look into the world of video games for the sake of their children. I guess it can wait for another time when I am less angry that I wasted any of my emotions on people who were not worth my time.

I am not perfect. I might be a beautiful disaster, but beyond the tough bravado, and the fake coy smile there is this girl who is amazing. I gave her a name and put her in a story, but she is who I really am. She might not actually have super powers but her ability to care and empathize with other is immeasurable and beautiful. Jack is always here... In my head he doesn't wear that armor though. Mostly because I see him as the perfect man I love, and every night I still see him as I first created him in my own head, not the coin operated boy I keep wishing for, but the true suitor who i need to care for me. I am , after all still a damsel in distress who wants to be rescued. 
and I have honored your request for silence. You've washed your hand clean of this.


They all wash their hands clean of me...


They'll regret that later...


You'll see boys...

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Consensual Hallucinations

Lazy.

Unproductive.

Mooch.

     We have heard it all. Society has shoved people who enjoy tinkering with computers and consoles into a stereotype of junk-food shoveling, uncreative individuals. These nay-sayers are proven wrong each time a game makes money. Kids and adults alike who enjoy reading and joining in a pixelated story are some of the most creative and productive people on this planet. Our world lies between something that connects us to life and the thing that makes us human. There is this need we have to live within a fantasy while holding steadfast to our reality. Video games find their home here; a niche in all our hearts that longs to be a hero, that wishes to plunder and destroy before our bedtime. Even if that bedtime does happen to be 3 AM. We relinquish control of part of ourselves when we interact with a game. It's not only something we do, it becomes a part of us, of our identity. In the moment we power up or log on we transform from who we were to "gamer."
      Gamers are a special breed of people. It takes gamers to be designers, computer programmers, writers, and even teachers. While not a standard, the Gamer is someone who can see the amazing in the simple things life offers. We love the challenge, enjoy the magical, and pwn of the newb. This is the side of Gamers people hardly see. The life side people often forget to highlight, or possibly think does not exist. Gamers are not always stuck in front of their screen. We do enjoy life. We socialize and network and just like any clique we have our own jargon. Gamers even have their own food type. Hey, hot pockets and soda can count as a food group all on their own!
      I am a gamer, my name is Cerity, it's who I am. I am also a writer and a mother. I could not be any of those without the other two. When my life overwhelms me I turn to a variety of video games as my escape. It is better in my opinion to play a first person shooter than let stress bog me down. It's the music of the game that really helps me unwind. The chants and in game calls are cadence-like. There is a beat and a rhythm which I carry with me even long after the computer is off. Head shot, ding, head shot, pwn, you're a newb, nerf that guy, for the win, OP! Over and over I can hear it. It doesn't really matter what game I'm playing. The calmness I feel after a good gaming session is so satisfying it is almost too difficult to describe. I take the music and the winning feeling with me as I close my eyes at the end of the day.
      To people of every generation I would describe gaming as an intellectual sport. It requires reflexes, cunning, and well-planned strategy in some cases. Raiding, real time strategy(RTS), and first person shooters(FPS) show this level of brain skills all the time. It's not just about knowing the game anymore. It's about hearing that cadence and getting the jump on things before they happen. I've heard it said that we as Gamers don't live life. That we hide behind the glow of our screens. To anyone who missed the Gamer bus I say NO. We experience more of life in my opinion; or as it would be put in Gamer speak, imo. Our lives are not trite. We have jobs and are productive.
      I can give no better example of this than my own friends and myself. There is my scientist buddy who works to find cures for diseases. After a long day in his lab he comes home for a night of gaming. There is also my computer programmer friends, who make codes for various thing. Some of those things are even other video games. When the day is done a good game rounds out their hours. I myself work in retail. I enjoy working with people and helping customers understand the products I sell. Gamers are almost as ubiquitous as fast food restaurants and not all of us are teenagers, quite the opposite is true. I find the average age for a Gamer now a days to be between twenty to fifty years of age. That is a huge divide we bridge. I hope "Generation Z," will take lessons from generation X and Y gamers.
      The fantasy worlds crafted for every one's enjoyment are not secret. Video games are branching out as life and learning tools. They can touch on every school subject as well as be entertaining. They give us music lessons and teach social and communicating skills. Just like in school some Gamers do not see these lessons, but so many others benefit from these fantasies made into pixels. So while you're going to work, riding the bus, or even reading a newspaper, consider this, a Gamer somewhere is inventing a new way of thinking. He or she is coming up with creative problem-solving life skills which a game helped nourish in his/her mind.
In the future there may even be room for games to be more than just at-home entertainment. They already utilize some video games in school classes. I recall playing "hot dog stand" to teach me a math lesson about averages and percentages when I was in Jr high. Take a lesson from a gamer, live your life as if you had a continue button. I am Cerity, a mother, a sales person, a writer, and around all these; I am a Gamer.

If you were falling

If you needed a light I would find a match. I love the way you say good morning. You take me the way I am. Your head is aching, I'll make it better. I love the way you call me baby. You take me the way I am.

It is true that when I actually fall in love I fall in deep. I have fallen in love a few times, but never too deeply. It's like fidelity by Regina Specktor. I never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground. However now it's like Colbie Caillat's song brighter then the sun. This is how it starts... lightning strikes the heart.  I've dated so many guys where it was like Kelly Clarkson's Mr. know it all. I was so tired of those guys. Then with wonder boy being Sara bareilles's King of anything. My life is one big frikin sound track. my theme song of course being something by BNL... Barenaked Ladies take it back, perhaps oh damn I think all their albums have a piece of me in them. In every lyric a moment of my childhood or teenage years. In their most recent album  the grown up me. So save me from a villainous imagination. So many bands that I like and that I can relate to lyrics of. I usually say I like everyone from Enya to Eminiem. It is true, I am eclectic. Unusual in the best kind of way. Who else love Dr Pepper and orange soda the way I do?

Who you are is only one part of the equation. I am learning this more and more each day. This math problem is more like a complex algorithm, and I am bad at math. I have lost my point somewhere....

Ah so I have only loved a few people and only 2 of them have I truly been in love with deeply. Falkor and Pookie. they know who they are, and I myself am surprised it's only two. I thought I had felt this way more, but nope. Wonder boy was a quick drop in the pan in comparison to how I feel now. Now that I am no longer scared of actually letting myself feel this way. Love you Pookie.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Crank it up loud on the ghettoblaster

What can one say about how life really is? It's a journey and if you stop to analyze  it you miss out on actually living. Those of whom who never stop every now and then never have time to reflect. it's a balancing act. I know one thing I shall never do again is be afraid to be myself just because I think it will spare someone's feelings. Being myself feels pretty nice. No one can say I said something I didn't mean or that I was mean. You can't be mean if you always mean what you say. Time flies, and so has mine, time to hop back out of digital me and into the real me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I'm beyond repair, So if you like broken smiles I'm your girl.

Ok so the title here make it seems like it's a sad message, but really it's not. I do have someone who loves my crooked smile and how I am. I am music loving, hard work ethic, devoted mommy me. Add in a dash of gamer and writer and you have me... Cerity :) I have been so used to planting my own garden and making all the blooms in it my own. I had trouble letting anyone else in. Once I did they always hurt me.  So yes I am a gallery of broken hearts... my own. i stopped hoping there was a man out there who had tape for me. I started repairing my own heart. I was recovering quite well. I had a great job and I was going to college. Eh college did not pan out so I changed my plan. Saright, it happens, you've got to be adaptable. I am so adaptable.
Well sure I had half repaired my heart when I found a shy little air force gamer guy (my ex husband). With the rafter in my heart still rebuilding what falkor and so many other had torn down I felt I was brave enough and sure enough in my self to jump in. My heart told me to be careful. I promised her I would be. Sure i was careful, too bad I married someone who's goal it was to tear down all the work I had done. he told me I was the crazy one and if I would just listen to him things would be better. What about my wants and needs. I thought a marriage was supposed to be equal. We're supposed to be partners in crime, and best friends. I did not sign up for this. My poor heart wounded even more I was definitely not going to let anyone hurt me until i fully repaired it again. I got to work during my marriage, repairing me.The rafter went back up quickly and I shut him out completely, no more games or manipulation. I was going to be unabashedly myself and no one was going to stop me. I had a little moo to think about now. I had to be a good, no great mommy.

I found myself that following year as my little moo turned a year old. Now just to work on it to make real sure. I have done so. three years later I am pretty rocking as a person. IMO, and truly isn't that the only opinion that matters?
 No I have not forgotten about the person brave enough to step up and say he loves me. My broken smile, and my gallery of broken hearts and all. So sure, I am beyond repair now, but that's cause Iwalked so far away from that person I knew who was 16. She's all growed up now.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

From now until forever

I can't sleep I have this energy, this life suddenly breathed back inside of me, and I know my gryphon has a lot to do with it. I feel pretty again. I feel so good. It's as if I am that twelve year old girl again who is not afraid to dream big or live out loud. Where had I lost that girl to begin with? Was I stupid and let a boy or a friend take her from me? That girl is so confident so sure of herself. I knew she was always inside of me, and she peeked her head out every once in a while to remind me how awesome I am. Had I forgotten?  How could I forget about Ember? She'd slap me. Or Cerity shaking her head in shame. There is Somber shaking her finger at me, as Jack stands behind her arms crossed. All so disappointed that I have forgotten who it is that I called myself.
RSWE! Dammit I am! Writer extraordinaire was not the delusions of a twelve year old who wanted a gryphon all her own and a fantasy world where she was not the damsel, but the heroine.

Somber Fairehawke: Leader of the Order. A misfit band of magic user, bards, warriors who all fight for the same cause. To protect the elements that govern the land of Alderguard.

Ember Nathios: Fearless FBI Detective. the raephan. The source of all good, and part of the trinity who saves earth. Defeating the source of all evil, the zeraphan.

Cerity Tradewind: cartographer and traveler of azeroth and all things gaming. She has been an anti-terrorist to a druid, and right on back to a simple gamer tag. She's unstoppable.

Ging Lindsley Fariehawke: The ultimate mother to everyone. Gentle, kind and loving to all. Don't doubt her abilities of protection. She is also the drake of air.

Lily Honeyleaf: An absolute warrior. A mage with extreme power and beauty. Stark red hair and golden eyes filled with all the fire and zest in life. Nothing stands in her way.

Alphawater: My hero for all time. The rescuer of dreams, and protector of the land of Tao. The me I wish I truly was. With water magic to back her bad-ass fighting skill up. Her virtue benevolence, and also her weakness. Here is to you, saver of dreams, and defender of the evening hour.


Persephone DelRayne: A lycanthrope from a long line of werewolves. Powerful enough to have control over her turning. She can remain human even on a full moon. Fiercely loyal to the Order, and aligned with Somber.

Each character an extension of myself. Of that twelve year old who had the guts to dream and then go out and seek those dreams. What has stopped me recently? Divorce? Have I really allowed myself to be emotionally crippled by the events of the last two years? Well that ends and a new chapter begins. One that includes my new life. I intend to impress the only person worth impressing... Twelve year old me.








Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Legend of Manshaar

A hero gives up everything. I say this because I am one. I have given up everything and everyone I ever knew to do what I believe to be the right thing. Why is it that as living beings what makes us who we are is actually contained within others. Without that contact, without that touch we wither, we expire and cease to be. When we are deprived of that touch we become something else, monster. They called me such names. Hero, villain, what exactly chooses that path for us. If there is a higher being, if she exists and made us I believe she did so for her own entertainment; again I am an example of this. My wounds are trophies I carry from winning in her games. Why do I go on, and why do I live when others pass on, leave, or die? Even in my arms, the ones I swore to use as their protection. I sat there and held her in my arms and could do nothing to save her anymore. I failed at being what I define myself as. You'd laugh to see me now. My father named me after himself. My mother gave me her eyes, and her ears, but somehow I am none of those things anymore...




A humble cottage sits a top a grassy hill overlooking a small town. An elderly man harvesting his crops from the small field on the side of his property. The sun fading into the horizon, the orange hue filling the front window causing a small box to sparkle within the home. The toy box, with a crank of the side was a brilliant gold and maroon color in a cris-cross triangular pattern and glittered as if it were made of gold. Little rainbows dancing about the main living space. Once the sun tucked itself in for the night the man entered the house, hung his hat, and sat down in a large high back chair facing a small fireplace.
"Isn't it time for another story?" the man asked.

A small elf jester with stark red hair arose slowly from the box. His clothes the same gold and maroon pattern. He yawned and stretched.
"Don't you tire of my stories?" the jester laughed through his yawn.
"I could never tire of the tales you tell. They remind me of a life I wish I had."
The jester smiled and then winked at the man.
"For you then I have a special story. It's about a young boy."
"How young?"
"Too young to be adventuring as he does, but it is how the story goes."
"Why is he wandering about so young?"
"Shush. Do you wish to hear the story or not?"

The old man sat back in his chair. Clearing his throat the jester continued on.
"Once upon a time in the land known as Manshaar a young boy by the name of Jaqual was getting ready for his first day of class. He was quite the rogue among his friend. Always getting into trouble, never able to do thing correctly or to his parents liking, and yet he still managed to pass the mage test to enter school."
The old man was now snoring in his chair. Smiling the jester stopped telling his story.

"Goodnight Jack. We'll finish this next time."



(Just a beginning...)

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I am broken, can you love me still?

I actually believe we are all broken. It is within the brokenness that we find fulfillment and a finalness in life. After all our favorite things are often wore things of love. A rough hewn teddy bear who has seen better days still resides upon our bed. That well-loved book that could use a rebinding. It is the broken things that seem to prove how much we have loved them. Strange how that works out.  A i look around my little pieced together apartment. A little bit here, a little there, some of it mine, some of it not, but it feels like home. As long as I have my broken loved thing I think I can find home anywhere I go. Bedtime calls.... 

Friday, August 12, 2011

As the world spins, faster now! hiya!

I always imagined what my life would be like when I grew up. I was gonna be a famous writer, but not the kind hounded by paparazzi. I was going to have this husband who was going to be my best friend and partner in crime. We were gonna rule the rule together and have the most awesome kids. When I was younger I always wanted four kids, that wish of course has changed a bit. I might still want four kids, but only if I can afford them.
Back then the days seemed to last forever and a week was a century between things. No wonder so many of my friend had a new relationship each one of them. That's what being young is about, learning what you like and growing up to be the person you're gonna be once you get out in the real world.
I've had all the practice one person can handle. I am tired of awkward dates and silence as the movies goes on. I want so much more. However the challenge of my age is finding someone who isn't either so scared or damaged they no longer want a relationship. The other challenges I can handle as they come at me. Lets just get past the first year first. So far it's been my and my little moo against the world. I am looking forward to moving on with my life no matter what that means. maybe it means I won't ever be married again. Hey I am still pursuing that writing thing.
In the pursuit of happiness there are a few people who did shape who I am now. To those people I thank you, and I am sorry that I hurt you, if I ever did. I know I damaged Falkor, but he was the best. I always remember him. He gave me BNL, writing, the world I write, and my first real love. There is the boy wonder of the bay area. He taught me the most about what being an adult is all about, but I happily did not inherit his inability to have any kind of emotion. He was, for a short time, my closest friend. He also taught me what I was really looking for in a love affair. Best friend, makes me laugh, best hugs, and has gotta love me back. That is where my gryphon comes in. He's magical in ever sense of the word. It' still new and I am doing my best not o let my feelings run away with me. If I don't keep the reigns on those puppies they are liable to run straight into the fire. My feelings do enjoy tugging at their chain whenever he is on the line.
So, I closed my eye and suddenly it was tomorrow. I closed them again and suddenly I was 28. It feels like yesterday I was 15 and sitting in English 10.
Speaking of being grown up, my little moo brings me out of blogger land and back into my living room reminding me I have work in the morning and laundry to plan for as well as her computer to pack into the car.   

Monday, August 8, 2011

Hot Dense State

I use this term as a scientist would. In a state of change and transformation.Which is what I am in currently. Once I am out of my hot dense phase I will be a whole planet once more. I say that I am like this because I have my little moo beginning school and I am settling into the routine of having a steady job all while thinking of the future. I must say the planet stage ofter this look quite promising. Being a fully grown human being, according to science, does not mean one is fully grown. I think at the age of 28 I am finally beginning to understand this. I am by no means grown all the way. Grown-up, sure, but far from being absolutely adult. I may never get there, adults are stuffy and don't like spontaneity in my mind. I will always love the thrill of the unknown, but I hate the dark. *laughs nervously*
Ok so you may now laugh as I have not completely conquered my fear of darkness. My friend, Narya, would find this hilarious. As I use the elements in my story a lot, and darkness happens to be one of them. As a matter of fact he's the most popular one I role play as. He is the most requested character I have made, and he's also the most boneheaded. He is part of me, after all. *smiles*
Moving on. I am just happy. I now have a gryphon. He's quite charming, and sweet, I love him. perhaps i should wait until  the planet stage to say that, but I feel that way. I am tired of censors and putting limits on myself because society says I should. I Have two perfect examples of what society makes us, and I don't want to be like him or her.  They are both fake people, I believe I wrote another post about these two. So to my gryphon I love you with all my heart. Through all the stages of me, dense or not.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Snick Fallen Rift

I am told I am not a writer. That because I fail to produce or have any published works in a book form I am not or can not call my self such. Do you have any idea of how frustrating that is? So frustrating I wanna self publish one of my totally amateurish unfinished works and just shove it in people's face and say... Hey! HEY!!!!!! I am a writer! SEE SEESEESEESEE! However the perfectionist in me slaps that idea down very quickly. So I guess you can say I have found myself in a hole of sorts. A rift in time where I'm both a writer and a non-writer.
I write something everyday in someway. So in my mind even if it's not noteworthy or even publishable I am a writer because a writer does write, always. I can reference plenty of movies that will support my belief. This rant /starting pages come thanks to Two people I thought were supporters of mine and backers/friends. They however were not, and I regret saying nice things about them now. I should've kept my little mouth shut, or at least more tight lipped. Now that I know who they really are. Sadly they are not the kind of people I like to associate myself with.
I am not someone to be trifled with. I can eviscerate you in fiction. I am vilify you in a single word. I can totally destroy you within the black and white of my pages. If you wanna piss someone off as a hobby go elsewhere because I am not a nice person once you piss me off. Am I an adult about it, yes. I can release pressure in my own way, and thee words are my friend, the comfort I keep for my mental health. 
The boy wonder himself who fancies he is some computer wiz who lives in a lofty place because he is in a bustling metropolis, and thinks he is impervious to emotions. The wicked wench of the east who thinks she can weave words as well as I do and create worlds all her own. Alderguard would eat her alive. Whole Quillick played with her insides. As the rest of the master would find it fun to evict her soul from her body, never to be found again. This is just me venting. As it should be, and as it is current;y I should be off to take a flight back to my home. I shall find my way out of this snick-fallen rift. Until them I write.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Company Store

So while I work for the the retail playground called wally world I have learned that retail has up and downs. I hate to say it, but I feel like the downs out number the ups, but I am a "look-at-the-sunny-side" type of person so I try to make the best out of my situations. The one thing I have noticed that still frustrates me and gets me all in a tizzy is how the people at my job interpret the rules of my company. Like all people some are good and some are bad. Unfortunately at my certain place of employment I feel there is more bad then good going on. It saddens and angers me very much.
 They use the rules as their own guide to how to abuse and lash out childishly at their employees. Just today I had someone I care about get emotionally maimed. I've seen it happen time and time again truthfully and there are enough websites with actual account of how much "the company store" sucks. I don't know if it's true. I think it's because of the people who run it now and depends upon the individual store. I say this because anyone still working there from when our founder was still alive remembers a friendly, employee suggestion driven company, who was run with fairness and equality. These people enjoy the  policies put in place by our founder and hate seeing them go to waste under the leadership of corporate assholes. I leave everything unnamed for legal purposes.
It employees tens of thousands of people and they all need a job. So many of them are willing to put up with bullshit to get a measly amount of money,  but they still cannot live off of that. I think I am possibly one of the lucky ones. With my advanced tactics I use against my store; I take pictures and I have recordings of my own events and videos thanks to my droid phone. They can not argue against my solid evidence when someone or something goes wrong and I have clear proof that I am in the right. I wish I could save all my friends in the same way I can save myself.

I have even proven harassment against myself and won, well sort of won. They got rid of the offending supervisor I had by promoting her to an assistant manager, and the rules say you have to move to another store to be promoted like this, but I have seen at least two other employees go to  "store planning" and come back in the same store less then 6 months later to be assistants. So this rule is obviously BS, like all of their rules. They use them when it is convenient. They like me though. I am like five people when I am there. So it must be nice to pay someone half a persons wage for doing the work of five people. I don't mind, because it's easier then heck to do. I am just ranting today because of my friend has being wronged. Some days are better then others. Today just wasn't one of the good ones. Please don't shop the company store. Now if only I could find it in me to stock shelves like ass so you wouldn't shop there.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Coffee makes the morning

I do love my cup of coffee. I love coffee so much I have a couple of cups throughout the day. I dunno why exactly, maybe the caffeine or the comfort of it, but whatever it is  I enjoy my time sitting down with little moo. This morning was eggs and bacon with tortillas.  She does love eggs. As I said before I am divorced, not officially on paper yet, which today is really frustrating me. He father never sees her, and he doesn't have the balls to tell me wheather or not he just doesn't want to see her when she's with me or not. it is so irritating. I try not to let it bug me,  but I hate seeing Little moo with a broken heart so young in life. She's a smart moo, and she know things a young one should not know. Things like.... "Does adaddy not want to seee me because his GF has 2 other babies. Does daddy love video games more them me? Yes she says these things to me, and each time I reply similarly. "No Honey, Daddy loves you as much as a daddy can, and he thinks of you all the time." Even when I am not sure and I doubt my own words.

In other news I have writing to catch up with on another webpage.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The two year itch

Now you'd think with the title of this blog that I would be making a play in infidelity, no I am actually talking about the opposite thing. Lets begin with who I am slightly. I am a writer, most people know me as SN Richardson, or Cerity. I shall stick with Cerity. I am the mother of a little moo and I work for the biggest retail store this world has seen in the last 50 years. I have been divorced for the last two years and while it saddens me to think of how I failed completely I know I was and am ready to be a wife again. I very much want a family and after these two years I am defiantly looking for a relationship that might fulfill that dream of mine. No I do not just date anyone. I have been buying time to be serious with anyone. Alright I am totally jumping all over the place.

Focus...

I was married two years ago, and I was so unhappy. He was selfish and I wondered if it was all my fault. I blamed myself for everything that went wrong and I hated the fact that I could not fix things. I did the worst thing a person could do. I took all my sadness and frustration and I decided I would cheat. It wasn't thought of like that at the moment I was doing it. I was craving the attention I had been deprived of from my husband. His military job was not the cause of our distance. I was an accessory to him, a pretty handbag for fitting that military persona. I was ignored otherwise, and it wore on me. I needed to be treated like a human with feelings and needs. Though my actions are in no way justified I apologize and I continue to apologize for the rest of my lifetime, but there comes a time for moving on and letting go. That time came around April of this year. Time to move on officially and stop trying to fix things that were never broken to begin with. After two years of single life I am once again bitten with the bug of wanting to be married. I don't know when it will happen or even if it will ever show up in my life again, but at least I know its something I want for myself.

As always I am unplugged, and to my detriment I am as honest as a person can be  now. On Lie to Me they called it radical honesty. I suppose I am going to try it for a long time. I have also learned things about honesty, you don't have to bare your soul each time you give an answer, just be honest about your yes and no's. It'll make everyone happier.