Sunday, September 25, 2011

Consensual Hallucinations




     We have heard it all. Society has shoved people who enjoy tinkering with computers and consoles into a stereotype of junk-food shoveling, uncreative individuals. These nay-sayers are proven wrong each time a game makes money. Kids and adults alike who enjoy reading and joining in a pixelated story are some of the most creative and productive people on this planet. Our world lies between something that connects us to life and the thing that makes us human. There is this need we have to live within a fantasy while holding steadfast to our reality. Video games find their home here; a niche in all our hearts that longs to be a hero, that wishes to plunder and destroy before our bedtime. Even if that bedtime does happen to be 3 AM. We relinquish control of part of ourselves when we interact with a game. It's not only something we do, it becomes a part of us, of our identity. In the moment we power up or log on we transform from who we were to "gamer."
      Gamers are a special breed of people. It takes gamers to be designers, computer programmers, writers, and even teachers. While not a standard, the Gamer is someone who can see the amazing in the simple things life offers. We love the challenge, enjoy the magical, and pwn of the newb. This is the side of Gamers people hardly see. The life side people often forget to highlight, or possibly think does not exist. Gamers are not always stuck in front of their screen. We do enjoy life. We socialize and network and just like any clique we have our own jargon. Gamers even have their own food type. Hey, hot pockets and soda can count as a food group all on their own!
      I am a gamer, my name is Cerity, it's who I am. I am also a writer and a mother. I could not be any of those without the other two. When my life overwhelms me I turn to a variety of video games as my escape. It is better in my opinion to play a first person shooter than let stress bog me down. It's the music of the game that really helps me unwind. The chants and in game calls are cadence-like. There is a beat and a rhythm which I carry with me even long after the computer is off. Head shot, ding, head shot, pwn, you're a newb, nerf that guy, for the win, OP! Over and over I can hear it. It doesn't really matter what game I'm playing. The calmness I feel after a good gaming session is so satisfying it is almost too difficult to describe. I take the music and the winning feeling with me as I close my eyes at the end of the day.
      To people of every generation I would describe gaming as an intellectual sport. It requires reflexes, cunning, and well-planned strategy in some cases. Raiding, real time strategy(RTS), and first person shooters(FPS) show this level of brain skills all the time. It's not just about knowing the game anymore. It's about hearing that cadence and getting the jump on things before they happen. I've heard it said that we as Gamers don't live life. That we hide behind the glow of our screens. To anyone who missed the Gamer bus I say NO. We experience more of life in my opinion; or as it would be put in Gamer speak, imo. Our lives are not trite. We have jobs and are productive.
      I can give no better example of this than my own friends and myself. There is my scientist buddy who works to find cures for diseases. After a long day in his lab he comes home for a night of gaming. There is also my computer programmer friends, who make codes for various thing. Some of those things are even other video games. When the day is done a good game rounds out their hours. I myself work in retail. I enjoy working with people and helping customers understand the products I sell. Gamers are almost as ubiquitous as fast food restaurants and not all of us are teenagers, quite the opposite is true. I find the average age for a Gamer now a days to be between twenty to fifty years of age. That is a huge divide we bridge. I hope "Generation Z," will take lessons from generation X and Y gamers.
      The fantasy worlds crafted for every one's enjoyment are not secret. Video games are branching out as life and learning tools. They can touch on every school subject as well as be entertaining. They give us music lessons and teach social and communicating skills. Just like in school some Gamers do not see these lessons, but so many others benefit from these fantasies made into pixels. So while you're going to work, riding the bus, or even reading a newspaper, consider this, a Gamer somewhere is inventing a new way of thinking. He or she is coming up with creative problem-solving life skills which a game helped nourish in his/her mind.
In the future there may even be room for games to be more than just at-home entertainment. They already utilize some video games in school classes. I recall playing "hot dog stand" to teach me a math lesson about averages and percentages when I was in Jr high. Take a lesson from a gamer, live your life as if you had a continue button. I am Cerity, a mother, a sales person, a writer, and around all these; I am a Gamer.

If you were falling

If you needed a light I would find a match. I love the way you say good morning. You take me the way I am. Your head is aching, I'll make it better. I love the way you call me baby. You take me the way I am.

It is true that when I actually fall in love I fall in deep. I have fallen in love a few times, but never too deeply. It's like fidelity by Regina Specktor. I never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground. However now it's like Colbie Caillat's song brighter then the sun. This is how it starts... lightning strikes the heart.  I've dated so many guys where it was like Kelly Clarkson's Mr. know it all. I was so tired of those guys. Then with wonder boy being Sara bareilles's King of anything. My life is one big frikin sound track. my theme song of course being something by BNL... Barenaked Ladies take it back, perhaps oh damn I think all their albums have a piece of me in them. In every lyric a moment of my childhood or teenage years. In their most recent album  the grown up me. So save me from a villainous imagination. So many bands that I like and that I can relate to lyrics of. I usually say I like everyone from Enya to Eminiem. It is true, I am eclectic. Unusual in the best kind of way. Who else love Dr Pepper and orange soda the way I do?

Who you are is only one part of the equation. I am learning this more and more each day. This math problem is more like a complex algorithm, and I am bad at math. I have lost my point somewhere....

Ah so I have only loved a few people and only 2 of them have I truly been in love with deeply. Falkor and Pookie. they know who they are, and I myself am surprised it's only two. I thought I had felt this way more, but nope. Wonder boy was a quick drop in the pan in comparison to how I feel now. Now that I am no longer scared of actually letting myself feel this way. Love you Pookie.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Crank it up loud on the ghettoblaster

What can one say about how life really is? It's a journey and if you stop to analyze  it you miss out on actually living. Those of whom who never stop every now and then never have time to reflect. it's a balancing act. I know one thing I shall never do again is be afraid to be myself just because I think it will spare someone's feelings. Being myself feels pretty nice. No one can say I said something I didn't mean or that I was mean. You can't be mean if you always mean what you say. Time flies, and so has mine, time to hop back out of digital me and into the real me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I'm beyond repair, So if you like broken smiles I'm your girl.

Ok so the title here make it seems like it's a sad message, but really it's not. I do have someone who loves my crooked smile and how I am. I am music loving, hard work ethic, devoted mommy me. Add in a dash of gamer and writer and you have me... Cerity :) I have been so used to planting my own garden and making all the blooms in it my own. I had trouble letting anyone else in. Once I did they always hurt me.  So yes I am a gallery of broken hearts... my own. i stopped hoping there was a man out there who had tape for me. I started repairing my own heart. I was recovering quite well. I had a great job and I was going to college. Eh college did not pan out so I changed my plan. Saright, it happens, you've got to be adaptable. I am so adaptable.
Well sure I had half repaired my heart when I found a shy little air force gamer guy (my ex husband). With the rafter in my heart still rebuilding what falkor and so many other had torn down I felt I was brave enough and sure enough in my self to jump in. My heart told me to be careful. I promised her I would be. Sure i was careful, too bad I married someone who's goal it was to tear down all the work I had done. he told me I was the crazy one and if I would just listen to him things would be better. What about my wants and needs. I thought a marriage was supposed to be equal. We're supposed to be partners in crime, and best friends. I did not sign up for this. My poor heart wounded even more I was definitely not going to let anyone hurt me until i fully repaired it again. I got to work during my marriage, repairing me.The rafter went back up quickly and I shut him out completely, no more games or manipulation. I was going to be unabashedly myself and no one was going to stop me. I had a little moo to think about now. I had to be a good, no great mommy.

I found myself that following year as my little moo turned a year old. Now just to work on it to make real sure. I have done so. three years later I am pretty rocking as a person. IMO, and truly isn't that the only opinion that matters?
 No I have not forgotten about the person brave enough to step up and say he loves me. My broken smile, and my gallery of broken hearts and all. So sure, I am beyond repair now, but that's cause Iwalked so far away from that person I knew who was 16. She's all growed up now.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

From now until forever

I can't sleep I have this energy, this life suddenly breathed back inside of me, and I know my gryphon has a lot to do with it. I feel pretty again. I feel so good. It's as if I am that twelve year old girl again who is not afraid to dream big or live out loud. Where had I lost that girl to begin with? Was I stupid and let a boy or a friend take her from me? That girl is so confident so sure of herself. I knew she was always inside of me, and she peeked her head out every once in a while to remind me how awesome I am. Had I forgotten?  How could I forget about Ember? She'd slap me. Or Cerity shaking her head in shame. There is Somber shaking her finger at me, as Jack stands behind her arms crossed. All so disappointed that I have forgotten who it is that I called myself.
RSWE! Dammit I am! Writer extraordinaire was not the delusions of a twelve year old who wanted a gryphon all her own and a fantasy world where she was not the damsel, but the heroine.

Somber Fairehawke: Leader of the Order. A misfit band of magic user, bards, warriors who all fight for the same cause. To protect the elements that govern the land of Alderguard.

Ember Nathios: Fearless FBI Detective. the raephan. The source of all good, and part of the trinity who saves earth. Defeating the source of all evil, the zeraphan.

Cerity Tradewind: cartographer and traveler of azeroth and all things gaming. She has been an anti-terrorist to a druid, and right on back to a simple gamer tag. She's unstoppable.

Ging Lindsley Fariehawke: The ultimate mother to everyone. Gentle, kind and loving to all. Don't doubt her abilities of protection. She is also the drake of air.

Lily Honeyleaf: An absolute warrior. A mage with extreme power and beauty. Stark red hair and golden eyes filled with all the fire and zest in life. Nothing stands in her way.

Alphawater: My hero for all time. The rescuer of dreams, and protector of the land of Tao. The me I wish I truly was. With water magic to back her bad-ass fighting skill up. Her virtue benevolence, and also her weakness. Here is to you, saver of dreams, and defender of the evening hour.

Persephone DelRayne: A lycanthrope from a long line of werewolves. Powerful enough to have control over her turning. She can remain human even on a full moon. Fiercely loyal to the Order, and aligned with Somber.

Each character an extension of myself. Of that twelve year old who had the guts to dream and then go out and seek those dreams. What has stopped me recently? Divorce? Have I really allowed myself to be emotionally crippled by the events of the last two years? Well that ends and a new chapter begins. One that includes my new life. I intend to impress the only person worth impressing... Twelve year old me.