Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Fading in to the background

I think about it quite a bit and I have slowed down more and more as the years pass, but every so often I try and contemplate who I was during high school and why people seemed to have disliked me, or targeted me for dislike. I wonder what I did to them personally. I realize somewhere I was becoming a scapegoat and during my last couple of years I gave up trying to break out of the mold at all and I just because everything they accused me of in the first place. Mostly because I wanted to fit in and I figured if they all think that of me I'll become it. I was not who they thought I was and I was fooling myself trying to pretend I was someone I was not just to fit in. When I was not fitting in at all, because what I was trying to be was not me, but... meeting those same people now they refuse to believe I am who I really am because the stigma seems to have leeched itself in to their brain.
I shrug sometimes and I accept that no one seems to be able to move on properly unless they are willing to be an adult and get to know who I really am. Whoever that girl was who just did things people said so that she could fit in or be cool is gone. I do not date whomever my "best friend" tells me I should date just because it would be cute. I do not eat food I hate  or do things I dislike because someone said "Here, try it. Awww you're a loser if you don't" The stresses of peer pressure and  whom real friend are have really stuck on me now. I don't waste my time with people who are going to devalue who I am anymore. (Yes There are some people who i am sure still use me as the example and scapegoat) To those people I say... I am sorry. I wish I could do something so that you could be happier and not need to put anyone else down or make anyone else feel bad so that you could feel good about yourselves. That life of mine is gone, mostly because it was not my life.

There is a commercial I have seen where a kid is standing.. oh screw it lemme find the link from above the influence

Yup that was me in High school. I was letting so many people choose who I was, Not anymore. I am quite happier, but the affects of my choices still linger with me today. I used to say I did it so I had no regrets because I was following my heart, nope, because I regret losing someone who was not only my best friend, but the coolest guy I know and whom I know is an awesome writer. The girl who I wasn't there for and we lost her. To anyone I can't remember anymore because I was too busy listening to someone(s) who threw me under the bus the moment it was convenient for them to do so.

However... If thing had not bee how they were I know I would not be the person I am today and I know gryphon would not want me to change. I know my monkey loves me just they way I am, and all my now friends quite appreciate who I have become. So as my old experiences officially fade away I make new ones. I became Cerity. Somber died, Alphawater is on a shelf. There a new sheriff in town kids *Western accent* and she's looking for a new day to dawn. By golly this just might be the best time in her life.

So if I happen to run into any of the high school crowd and I don't know who you are, it isn't me trying to be rude. I am starting over, and as I am now... I never knew any of you.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Move with Me

I wanna write things that move people. Epic novel, sure. Tent pole thriller movie, of course. One awesome Broadway play, hells yes. How about just a Youtube video that goes viral? I want to be able to capture the essence of a feeling in a moment that is so purely human it moves everyone that hears, reads, or sees it. Here I am blogging, so I hear you laughing. Yeah I might be stuck in a fantasy that I half created. Sure Alderguard is not always mine. Sometimes I remember how it was made and I ask myself why I am hanging into it. I know why, because that moment in my life way special.

Just gonna stand there and watch me write myself into a earlier grave. I an burning the candle on both ends and I am playing with a double-sided blade. I am gonna cut myself. This rage inside of me where does it come from, who is it inside of me? It's not any of of my characters, and if it is why is he or she so angry? I understand all of my characters, but this sadness and rage that comes out of being frustrated at how my writing non-career is so frustrating. I can write, I do write. I love writing I don't need to be in the zone to produce something that no one else can write. I don't need a pen or piece of paper I don't need a computer  or ever a way to create it I just need my hand. My head and go wide open field. I'll act it all out and I'll show everyone what true story telling is./ How you immerse yourself in it and become those characters you love and live wiht them., You die by their side in battle or win victories with them no matter how small. have you ever found the one thing you love and everyone tell you that you can't you shouldn't and it doesn't pay the bills so don't do it. give up that dream. be sensible and get a real job. Yeah I have been . I am told all the time I should forget about writing and stop. I am not going to I can't something drives me to write
, something beckons and calls. It's like that boyfriend yo0ur mother tells you to stay away from or the things everyone says no to. It's like a drug I need to quit. How can I when it is the only high I ever want.
 When I create a new character or I have a new story swimming around in my head I am so in the moment. My hands itch, my head feels so overloaded. I Know this post is going to be a starting pages grammatical nightmare and by the time I next see it I will most likely erase it.
So here it is. the only glimpse anyone will ever get into my thought process and how I create something. ho i put black to white. out with the bad and in with the good. As i do away with all the negative I hold in, I open the bottle and I pour it onto the page. all of this rage and angry , hate despair and hurt. I hate Jim York. I hate Timothy Ferman. You don't get to hurt me and think you are mightier then I am . you don't' get to put me down and act superior. You know what for all the damage they have done. Here I am like a beaten boxer, stANDIUNG UP i AM NOT ko'ED i AM NOT DOWN FOR THE COUNT. i AM UP and I am ready to fight another round. So go ahead pretend like you never heard of me or like you never loved me, and like I am the bad guy. Like I did all the wrong in our relationships. You arrogant pieces of shit. Nicholas Cull.. you're Quillick you're where he comes from, all that vileness and seething vengeful hate. The darkness within me is you. Why do I have a hard time letting go? Once it's all gone one I feel the moment of hate leave I am just sad. Sad that I could not have changed some of the things that happened. I know it was my learning process. I meant to write my article today about the rating system and how adults should really take a harder look into the world of video games for the sake of their children. I guess it can wait for another time when I am less angry that I wasted any of my emotions on people who were not worth my time.

I am not perfect. I might be a beautiful disaster, but beyond the tough bravado, and the fake coy smile there is this girl who is amazing. I gave her a name and put her in a story, but she is who I really am. She might not actually have super powers but her ability to care and empathize with other is immeasurable and beautiful. Jack is always here... In my head he doesn't wear that armor though. Mostly because I see him as the perfect man I love, and every night I still see him as I first created him in my own head, not the coin operated boy I keep wishing for, but the true suitor who i need to care for me. I am , after all still a damsel in distress who wants to be rescued. 
and I have honored your request for silence. You've washed your hand clean of this.


They all wash their hands clean of me...


They'll regret that later...


You'll see boys...