Saturday, July 18, 2015

Life, you're so silly

I like playing my alter egos. I like being someone, almost anyone else, other than myself. Who is Robyn after all? You'd find me shrugging and realizing I wished i was 16 or 13 again when I was certain of all things. Hmm, funny how that works. I had all the confidence in the world and i find myself chasing that same sense now. Why? Did I turn 30 and suddenly everything I worked towards didn't seem to matter? I don't have those answers. I've worked hard to find those answers only to realize that why do not exist.
Now Cerity's world? Oh she's amazing. She's confident, great at video games. Charismatic and a little off. She's left of center in a good way. Somber Fairehawke, oh man don't even get me started on the betrayal of myself in black and white. Alphawater, superhero me. Lithany Markos, the detective one. Quillick Sauvage, the man in black; he is forever disgruntled and dark. Where is Robyn Schultz in all of these? Well...

It happens slowly, so slowly you may not realize a change has occurred. I escaped into these characters in order to ignore, push aside, or forget my issues. My not so fantastic childhood or teenage years. The confusion to find myself only muddled and controlled by my mother and then by boyfriends because I thought that was what you were supposed to do. So here I am now, just me. Emotionally naked and kind of afraid of stepping into the light. Please give me my warm familiar disguises to put on. I can no longer do that.



I have OCD, depression, and a social anxiety disorder and I have only recently been brave enough to face all these issues head on. I get rid of anything that are triggers for me. I cut social media out. It's not good for someone with what I have. I keep it around because it was requested of me by a few. So why now, what doe sit hurt to leave a page to die with time. TO rust virtually and only be found ion the search of the googles. Life is silly like that

Life is silly in that way.



I'm correcting as many of the things I've done wrong that I can think of or remember. I'm so not perfect. I am becoming quite comfortable in all my retarded ways. I am a retard, and I'm ok with that. I will never be gorgeous. I will never be a headliner or someone special. I think Nietzsche said it best. Some of us are destined for greatness, or have it thrust upon us. The rest of us he called the bungled and the botched. That is certainly me.

So, from one of the bugled to all you botched out there. This is just me writing my ramblings. 

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Wishful thinking

A fantastic story of my own. I figured it out. I figured out what I really want from life. Why I'm a writer and why I do the things I do. It is all because I want some epic story of my own that either I or someone else can write about one day. Love, adventure, thriller, science fiction, fantasy, romance, mystery, whodunnit, tent pole, tragedy, never-ending... ... ... ... ....   As long and it belongs to me and I leave a lasting impression on one person, even if only sharing it with that one someone else I will have what i truly have wanted my entire life.

Falkor gave me this fantastic gift. Well two if we are counting. He taught me how to love, that I have the ability to and that I am worth of the feeling. It is sad that I did not learn this from my parents. The second gift he gave me was to alter who I was for the better. Without him there is no me as i am today and for a long time that made me immeasurably angry.

My parents also instilled in me this anger. Anger in life and anger at myself and just lividiness at everything. Life was dark and dull and full of bitterness because I was told things like "I can't and I shouldn't" Don't get me wrong, my parents are not bad people. Selfish and misguided perhaps, but i do believe that my mother loved me as much as she could, and I do believe my step-dad cared about me as much as he could. I learned bad things and bad habits from their example. Through no fault of their own they taught me how to be devious and lie. I learned how to  be manipulative and secretive. By the time I met Falkor there was no me left and almost only what they had installed in my heart. The saddest part is that I allowed it to happen. I passively accepted their teachings and fought for their acceptance. Never seeking my own story. Trying frantically to hold onto the one spark i knew was my own.

That spark of me. The little bit I knew held who I really was. It took Falkor to unlock the door to get there. I didn't know that the key he gave me opened the door to this adventure to who I was. That the spark was this light in the distance that I had to go get.

My first step along this journey began with losing someone who I still consider so important in my life. Falkor, the true emerald knight, my greatest friend. I can never repay you for what you did for me. It has been 12 years and I still think about you everyday. I found a place in my heart to keep the love for you that I had then and change it into a force of healing good. I didn't think my heart had any room after I damaged it myself from running you off and treating you so badly.

After that I blocked everyone out. I built this wall and pretended to be someone I was not not, and I closed the door to that light in the distance. I thought... this is how it is going to be. I was so closed that I thought the next step was to just do what life offered me. So of course i married someone i knew for a few days. That lasted three years amazingly enough and gave me the most precious gift. My daughter. She opened the door again and someone else helped me take my first steps inside.

I called him Wonderboy. He may or may not know the effect  he had on me. I was so damaged and so hurt. True he hurt me a little more, but maybe that slap in my emotional face is what I needed for the next part of me. I saw my story forming, and it wasn't just the fantastical one i had created to escape to. This amazing story that had happened while I wasn't looking. My story, the real one.

I'm looking back at it all. I think about the only friend I had left through all my mess. It's funny that she is an ice queen. I met her right after I had lost Falkor. I was left with a fantastic world to explore in writing and Falkor left me with no one to explore it with, and there she was. My best friend. Perhaps I had pushed her away as well. I'm wrek-it-ralph with relationships and I'm good at what I do. So in the repair of myself I've been doing for the last 15 years or so i have learned to accept what you are given and do not ask for more even if you want it. Not from fate anyway. From people perhaps, what's the worst they can do? Say no? Yet fate, to question her means to lose the very thing you could want.

So I don't ask her anymore for the things I want. So I will write them here and leave them for her to read. For maybe them all to read. Falkor, you know who you are if you read this. Wonderboy may have no clue... unless I tell him he is the wonderboy of the bay area. The ice queen certainly knows who she is.

I want my daughter to grow up strong. To have courage and to be kind through all adversities
I would like if the ice queen could melt just a little bit and realize how human I am.
I would like to hear from Falkor again,
I want to feel welcome enough to go visit her.
I would like to finish one of my stories.
I would like to be remembered for my passions, and my love of life.
I would like to be friends with wonderboy.
I would like to have one more child.
I would like to love myself completely and not this 50% thing I am doing.

So now I shall make the cast of character in my head a reality. more then napkins in coffee shops, and more then my writing sessions in a fast food restaurants. Thank you to everyone who has touched my life. I have been changed for good because of you all.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Write him into reality

"Why do you love me? I'm such a mess?"
"I love your mess."

Isn't that a wonderful thought? That in the grit and dreariness of life someone could accept and care for us as we are. Whole and complete in all of our flaws. This is something that intrigues me when I write. It is the flaws that makes us who we are. Forget about paradigms or themes, Myths or plot lines. When you write don't forget to add what makes that character truly tick. Why do you like that character? What it is about them that beckons to come across the page and jump to life, even if only within the confines of your own mind? When I write I have to remeber that I am writing first and foremost for myself. This is something I often forget, and often I have let the fear of striking out keep me from playing the game.

"What did you think the first time you saw me?"
"you were the most beautiful girl I had ever saw."

If only movie moments were true and they could be real. I know that you have to make your own magic. No one else is going to do it for you. No one will create sparks in your heart quite the way you yourself do. So i suppose that is why I liked the move Ruby Sparks so much. It sort of expresses that idea I have. So I plant flowers in my own garden and I don't wiat for prince charming to come around, if prince charming even does exist.

I figured it out years ago. I'll just write him into existence. So I did, and He exists in my mind. If only I could have a ruby sparks moment that would be amazing, but I wouldn't write anything else ever to change him. He is perfect in all his flaws just as I have written him. To Jack... I love you emerald knight, always have, always will.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

The mapmaker and her hero

     The wind had picked up speed, tossing about the hair of a troll standing atop a hill overlooking an expanse of marshland. In her hand a scroll with a partial map drawn on it, a quill in hand and another one in her mouth. Lowering the page to look over the land and then back down. Hearing a group marching on the road nearby she slunk into a bush for a moment and then came back out. "The spires of Arak should be mapped by the end of the next lunar cycle." She thought to herself. Coming out as the army battalion passed her position. Stomach grumbling made her put down the scroll and rummage in her bag, empty. Sighing she dropped the bag back at her side and pulled a fishing poll out of another bag and began to assemble it.
     "What a horrible time and place to need rations or food of any kind." she exasperated out loud to herself.
     A small pond at the foot of the cliff was where she decided to catch some food. The main road ran right past her spot, but the troll girl shrugged at this as she looked around. Deciding it was empty enough for her liking she cast her reel. after a good amount of time with no luck she went to put away her fishing gear. Turning around only to see a human. She gasped as he drew his sword and quickly ran her through with it. Adding to his attack a blow to her temple.
      "Horde do not belong here." He growled
      "I am.." She choked out as much as she could.
      The human only spit on the ground next to her. The world quickly becoming fuzzy as another alliance member came up behind the initial human. Someone, or thing, grabbed the human and his friend. A scuffle could be heard and the clash and swoosh of swords. Unsure as the world was dark and blurry now. Someone picking her up and carrying her to safety perhaps. At least the memory she could reacall was of someone carrying her before everything faded to black.
     The warmth of the sun and the smell of cooking fish awoke her.
     "You live." The Orc who was sitting beside her nodded as he turned the spit with fish on it.
     "I do not feel like I am alive." Feeling bandages over her mid section. Her armor sitting to the side of her. "You removed my armor?!"
     "Nice to meet you as well, I'm Garzaeth."
     "My armor!"
     "And you would be?" He offered her a piece of fish
     Taking the offering she looked curiously at the orc, "Cerity Tradewind."
     "The mapmaker? You're the one Thrall has chosen? I thought you would be..."
     "Bigger? Male?" She paused, "Orc?"
      Garzaeth chuckled, "Well you are feistier then I thought you would be."
     "How did you imagine I would be? Seeing as you have never met me before and already you have seen more of me." Her words becoming faster and more frantic.
     "You were stabbed. To stop the bleeding I had to bandage it. Lest you would've died."
     "I didn't..."
     Finally turning around to face her. The next words catching in her throat. Swallowing them slowly she failed to  form any words while he gazed at her. Garzaeth raising an eyebrow at her.
     "You were saying?"
     She swallowed again, "Thank you. I owe you... my life." She tried to sit up.
     "You shouldn't get up just yet."
     She lied right back down, Losing her balance by just leaning on her hand.
     "You lost a good amount of blood by the pond."
     More then how she felt her head spin. This Orc rescued her without knowing who she was. He just did so, Nothing asked for in return. What to say to someone who risked their life for you? She lied there thinking. Not able to shake the blurry image of him as he saved her.