Sunday, May 3, 2015

Wishful thinking

A fantastic story of my own. I figured it out. I figured out what I really want from life. Why I'm a writer and why I do the things I do. It is all because I want some epic story of my own that either I or someone else can write about one day. Love, adventure, thriller, science fiction, fantasy, romance, mystery, whodunnit, tent pole, tragedy, never-ending... ... ... ... ....   As long and it belongs to me and I leave a lasting impression on one person, even if only sharing it with that one someone else I will have what i truly have wanted my entire life.

Falkor gave me this fantastic gift. Well two if we are counting. He taught me how to love, that I have the ability to and that I am worth of the feeling. It is sad that I did not learn this from my parents. The second gift he gave me was to alter who I was for the better. Without him there is no me as i am today and for a long time that made me immeasurably angry.

My parents also instilled in me this anger. Anger in life and anger at myself and just lividiness at everything. Life was dark and dull and full of bitterness because I was told things like "I can't and I shouldn't" Don't get me wrong, my parents are not bad people. Selfish and misguided perhaps, but i do believe that my mother loved me as much as she could, and I do believe my step-dad cared about me as much as he could. I learned bad things and bad habits from their example. Through no fault of their own they taught me how to be devious and lie. I learned how to  be manipulative and secretive. By the time I met Falkor there was no me left and almost only what they had installed in my heart. The saddest part is that I allowed it to happen. I passively accepted their teachings and fought for their acceptance. Never seeking my own story. Trying frantically to hold onto the one spark i knew was my own.

That spark of me. The little bit I knew held who I really was. It took Falkor to unlock the door to get there. I didn't know that the key he gave me opened the door to this adventure to who I was. That the spark was this light in the distance that I had to go get.

My first step along this journey began with losing someone who I still consider so important in my life. Falkor, the true emerald knight, my greatest friend. I can never repay you for what you did for me. It has been 12 years and I still think about you everyday. I found a place in my heart to keep the love for you that I had then and change it into a force of healing good. I didn't think my heart had any room after I damaged it myself from running you off and treating you so badly.

After that I blocked everyone out. I built this wall and pretended to be someone I was not not, and I closed the door to that light in the distance. I thought... this is how it is going to be. I was so closed that I thought the next step was to just do what life offered me. So of course i married someone i knew for a few days. That lasted three years amazingly enough and gave me the most precious gift. My daughter. She opened the door again and someone else helped me take my first steps inside.

I called him Wonderboy. He may or may not know the effect  he had on me. I was so damaged and so hurt. True he hurt me a little more, but maybe that slap in my emotional face is what I needed for the next part of me. I saw my story forming, and it wasn't just the fantastical one i had created to escape to. This amazing story that had happened while I wasn't looking. My story, the real one.

I'm looking back at it all. I think about the only friend I had left through all my mess. It's funny that she is an ice queen. I met her right after I had lost Falkor. I was left with a fantastic world to explore in writing and Falkor left me with no one to explore it with, and there she was. My best friend. Perhaps I had pushed her away as well. I'm wrek-it-ralph with relationships and I'm good at what I do. So in the repair of myself I've been doing for the last 15 years or so i have learned to accept what you are given and do not ask for more even if you want it. Not from fate anyway. From people perhaps, what's the worst they can do? Say no? Yet fate, to question her means to lose the very thing you could want.

So I don't ask her anymore for the things I want. So I will write them here and leave them for her to read. For maybe them all to read. Falkor, you know who you are if you read this. Wonderboy may have no clue... unless I tell him he is the wonderboy of the bay area. The ice queen certainly knows who she is.

I want my daughter to grow up strong. To have courage and to be kind through all adversities
I would like if the ice queen could melt just a little bit and realize how human I am.
I would like to hear from Falkor again,
I want to feel welcome enough to go visit her.
I would like to finish one of my stories.
I would like to be remembered for my passions, and my love of life.
I would like to be friends with wonderboy.
I would like to have one more child.
I would like to love myself completely and not this 50% thing I am doing.

So now I shall make the cast of character in my head a reality. more then napkins in coffee shops, and more then my writing sessions in a fast food restaurants. Thank you to everyone who has touched my life. I have been changed for good because of you all.