Saturday, July 18, 2015

Life, you're so silly

I like playing my alter egos. I like being someone, almost anyone else, other than myself. Who is Robyn after all? You'd find me shrugging and realizing I wished i was 16 or 13 again when I was certain of all things. Hmm, funny how that works. I had all the confidence in the world and i find myself chasing that same sense now. Why? Did I turn 30 and suddenly everything I worked towards didn't seem to matter? I don't have those answers. I've worked hard to find those answers only to realize that why do not exist.
Now Cerity's world? Oh she's amazing. She's confident, great at video games. Charismatic and a little off. She's left of center in a good way. Somber Fairehawke, oh man don't even get me started on the betrayal of myself in black and white. Alphawater, superhero me. Lithany Markos, the detective one. Quillick Sauvage, the man in black; he is forever disgruntled and dark. Where is Robyn Schultz in all of these? Well...

It happens slowly, so slowly you may not realize a change has occurred. I escaped into these characters in order to ignore, push aside, or forget my issues. My not so fantastic childhood or teenage years. The confusion to find myself only muddled and controlled by my mother and then by boyfriends because I thought that was what you were supposed to do. So here I am now, just me. Emotionally naked and kind of afraid of stepping into the light. Please give me my warm familiar disguises to put on. I can no longer do that.

So

Robyn...

I have OCD, depression, and a social anxiety disorder and I have only recently been brave enough to face all these issues head on. I get rid of anything that are triggers for me. I cut social media out. It's not good for someone with what I have. I keep it around because it was requested of me by a few. So why now, what doe sit hurt to leave a page to die with time. TO rust virtually and only be found ion the search of the googles. Life is silly like that

Life is silly in that way.

So

Robyn...

I'm correcting as many of the things I've done wrong that I can think of or remember. I'm so not perfect. I am becoming quite comfortable in all my retarded ways. I am a retard, and I'm ok with that. I will never be gorgeous. I will never be a headliner or someone special. I think Nietzsche said it best. Some of us are destined for greatness, or have it thrust upon us. The rest of us he called the bungled and the botched. That is certainly me.

So, from one of the bugled to all you botched out there. This is just me writing my ramblings.